Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
