what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
