He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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