It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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