My Higher Power is John Stamos
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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