What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
