I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
