Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
