So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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