then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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