Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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