I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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