I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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