I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
