He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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