Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
