whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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