No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
