Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
