i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
