Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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