Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
40s are totally the cure
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
