My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
