Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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