I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i out mim tonsoeep
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
