just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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