Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
