She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
