just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize