Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
