how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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