Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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