Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
