I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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