I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
