I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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