My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
