I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
