I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I pour the whiskey from now on
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
