Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
