Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
