it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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