I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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