sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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