the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
