this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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