so let's talk penis.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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