Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
