She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize