I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize