I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
