once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
