I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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