totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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