Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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