A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize