I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
