The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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