you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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