My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
