I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
