...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
