someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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