oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
