I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This is my gift to your gina
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
